just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
