I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
