No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
