Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
