i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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