i may or may not be watching the land before time
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
