I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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