even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
