it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
