Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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