And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
