Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize