it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
