Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize