yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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