More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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