apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
