I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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