do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
