I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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