I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
