Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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