it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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