I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
