Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
