Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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