Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
