The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
