first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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