my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
