i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize