i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he thought i was a dude.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
