So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
