I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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