you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
