Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
