You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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