She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
