There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
