I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
