good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Randomize
