I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
