I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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