Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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