If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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