Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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