my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
