Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
