Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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