This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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