I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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