the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
