just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
