Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
