We're like a lot better than the average bears
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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