i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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