Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
