We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize